Building Respectable Human Beings

A dinner conversation we had not too long ago discussed the reason why my children are so attractive to their peer’s parents. My kids are still kids, but comparatively they seem better mannered, more focused on the current objective, and are open to either independent or team-oriented achievement. They are equally praised by their teachers and consistently earn high marks on their report cards. I know that I don’t shower them with as much praise as they would probably like, but I would have to be a complete idiot not to know what a blessing it is to have children that are healthy, smart, conscientious, well-balanced and ambitious, and for some reason, they love and appreciate me, too.

My kids are still kids, but I remind them constantly about how what they do now affects their future. I try to do this without applying too much pressure or guilt, and in fact, the pressure is really on me to keep this issue fresh in their minds without being overbearing. Everyone wants love and respect, but I think many people know that you can’t get what you don’t give first. I am human, and I’ve made and make lots of mistakes that I am sorry for, but my persistence to make things better for all of us is fueled by the challenge and inspiration given by the family that supports me. In terms of messes, I think my family has more than its fair share, and because we are all still here, it is intended for us to overcome our mess and revel in our godliness. But all of this cannot come about if we cover up in self-pity and nitpick each other about our flaws. I have to accept people for who they are, and have a little sympathy for what they are not. We all must. But that should not stop us from influencing people to be the best of what we imagine them to be, at work, at school, at home, as parents, as professionals, as people in a family. I don’t treat my kids as kids. I treat them as the kind of responsible human being I want to be and be with. Playtime is just as important as work time, but I believe that when a child understands what is going to make his life easier as he gets older, the child isn’t just growing. He is also growing up, as a responsible human being.

New Year, New Attitude

2012 is apparently pegged for historical change. It is an American Presidential election year. The Mayans believe December 21 is Doomsday. Under this shadow and mounting economic pressures, so far this year has been difficult. I’ve tried to deflect the depression by noting there was a full moon early this month and Winter has a way of playing tricks on the mind, as well as the ability of consistent and invasive cold to demoralize warm-weather creatures. Considering this may be the end of the world, whatever advice or thoughts I may spark from now on will only have a shelf life of less than twelve months. As we wait for “the end”, it would be simplest to sit back and let it come, but what if it isn’t “the end”? Few successful things in this life come about as random events. Planning ahead for yourself and encouraging your kids to set goals for their future is never too soon. Expanding horizons before the future becomes the present makes success less of a surprise. What do you want? How are you going to get it? What do your children want? What do you have to do to get them access? When you’ve decided these answers, take hold of them and don’t let go. Life can be harsh and goals will try to slip away from you, but persistence, flexibility and patience will make life live up to your expectations. If you’re still here, there’s still time to make your good life happen.

Holidays and the End of the Year

Time, at times,

Goes by so quickly.

At other times,

Not quickly enough.

Yet, we hope the time

We’ve had together

And our times

yet to come

Still kindle at least a smile

And remembrances of

Warmth and fun.

We miss you dearly

and hope to see you again soon!

May your hearts be blessed with joy and the company of good friends and close family throughout the holiday season and the New Year.

　

Best wishes for a prosperous 2012!!!

How to explain big words and concepts to children

My 12-year-old daughter needs to have a current event topic for every school morning. It's funny how the kids compete to have the best bit of news for the classroom, but I guess it also shows how eager they are to learn. So one day she picks a story about a former local commissioner who was arrested before last year's election on charges of fraud, corruption, and other crimes of politicians. The newspaper article headlines that her prosecution is "politically motivated". The former commissioner whined that she was being persecuted. My daughter didn't understand what "persecute" meant, so I told her, "It means that, someone or something, in this case 'the government', says, 'Nyah, you're a dirty liar! Nyah, you cheated, you stinky butthead!'"

It's a shame that most concepts have to be reduced to the comprehension level of a fourth grader, but it's amazing how many people get the concept when it's delivered this way.

If this is you, chances are you're a good parent

I have been blessed that most of my days are filled with laughter and food for thought, but I am proud to say that that last 24 hours have been very special. Last night my son's teacher revealed that he is somewhere near the top of his third-grade class and one of its brightest stars. In my case, this part isn't so much a surprise as a testament to priority management and proactive parenting. Like most 9 year-olds, when my son is not in school, his mind is a million miles from academics, and although it takes occasional mock threats of violence to get his attention on dinner instead of video games, apparently his teacher tells me he is sharp as a tack in the classroom, prepared, attentive - a model student. By contrast, his bedroom is rarely ever tidy, and if his function at home has nothing to do with playing, he's rarely interested. As challenging as parenting is, there are some battles better left in the background. My kids' kindergarten teacher wisely said that no child (or adult, for that matter) can perform brilliantly 100% of the time. People have to recharge in more ways other than just sleeping, so allow the children to let their hair down in a place that's safe and private, which is frequently the time spent at home. I relish the fact that my son is not perfect, and that his heart is filled with so much love for himself and everyone around him that perfection doesn't matter.

Another blessing is, despite my personal odds of succeeding, my oldest daughter is 12 today. It is usually this time of year I recall the hardships that have dogged me until now, but amidst all my chaos, this little gift dropped into my life, and ever since, constantly drives me to be smarter, take calculated chances, and never be afraid that someone won't be there to love me.

Here's to hoping miracles never cease.

You Should Never Lie To Your Children

Think of the most difficult things you have to explain to your children – sex, debt, violence, divorce/breakup of relationships, life, love, career choice, death, (if you think of any others, feel free to comment). Now I want you to think about what and how you are going to explain these difficult parts of life. All of these things are part of our culture whether we like it or not, and for some, the hardest part to accept is that they all lead to the same place. Is it a blessing that I have experience with all these things? Not really, but I think I would rather be aware of what’s coming instead of being completely blind-sided and unable to adequately react.

Your child is exposed to all kinds of stimuli, some of it we can control, others we can’t. I think the mission of a good parent is to position himself or herself to be an objective sounding board to a child’s questions, so that a parent can give solid and truthful answers, and also get solid and truthful answers in return. “Solid and truthful” does not mean laying out every fact or opinion - it means giving just enough information to answer the question and leaving the door open to further discussion. This allows the child to formulate their own opinions and make decisions for themselves. Over time, their opinions may not match your own, but the world is an ever-changing place. The job of a parent is to care for and prepare their children for their own future, and what the children choose to make of their lives should wholly be their own. We also teach that every decision has a consequence, and by that, attempt to set reasonable limits to their decisions. Someday, people may be able to fly when they jump off the roof, but until humanity learns to defy gravity and physics, isn’t it safer to leave flying to the birds and aircraft?

There is the impulse to skew or stretch the truth to suit a parent’s personal needs. FIGHT IT! Your children may not be academic whizzes, but they’re a lot smarter than they may let on. The questions they ask may not be so much to get an answer as they are a test to see if they can trust you. If you do not answer with love and your whole heart, children ( and savvy parents) can smell a lie from miles away. A child’s behavior is modeled directly from how a parent acts and what s/he will permit. You cannot teach what you do not practice yourself. If truth is what you seek, truth is what you must reasonably spread.

Don’t lie, folks, don’t lie.

Don't be afraid of the movies, but be very afraid of the movies

My parents were very selective about what movies and TV shows we were allowed to watch - not too much skin, no sex, no profanity and limited violence. I think they had to resign themselves to bathroom humor, but let's face it: we're human, and bathroom humor is going to play itself out on a daily basis at home no matter how hard you try to excuse yourself from the room to fumigate somebody's bed pillow (kidding...I don't think it ever happened in my house, at least it never smelled like it). It's hard not to be silly without things most people would consider public behavior, but show me a parent that positively connects with their children without being silly and I'll show a terribly inhibited soul.

As most kids of the period, going to matinee movies was the prize for good behavior, not like the underage chick-trolling gauntlet it seems to be today, and at least one of my parents was always with us. Animateds (mostly Disney), Disney live-actions starring Kurt Russell, and Irwin Allen disaster films always felt like a treat. The only 'R' rated movie my mother permitted us to see as a kid was "Jaws" as a favor to a close friend, and even then it was after considerable debate. I didn't go because I was afraid of the shark. We went into the movies in good spirit and came out refreshed, like taking a nap, only having had a good laugh and probably (re-)learning something useful. Isn't this what family day(night) at the movies is all about?

Most movies out now are filled with death, destruction, gore, flashy graphics and gaudy personalities. For entertainment purposes, I understand its value and in some cases, I welcome it because there is a place for it. But like anything else that goes unchecked by a child's parents, I'm deeply concerned about the impression it makes on a child's mind. I recently attended a crime summit, headed by our local sheriff, in which its main topics were teen violent crimes and human trafficking/exploitation. Children killing children is not supposed to be a routine occurrence in our culture, but it does happen frequently. The summit suggested that the primary causes of teen violence were poor parenting skills, bullying, and violent images portrayed in music, movies/TV, video games/toys, comics, and even played out and planned between friends. While the First Amendment may protect the ability to express fictional violence, it doesn't mean that we have to lay a buffet of violence out for our children to consume. I think it's important that they need to be aware of things to protect themselves, and that it is a parent's primary duty to proactively teach their children "right" from "wrong".

The maxim here is this: Have fun wherever you are, but always be aware of what's around you wherever you are.