Teaching kids how to cuss

Whether you like it or not, at some point in your child’s life, s/he is going to learn how to use profanity, whether it comes from other sources, or like Ralphie in “A Christmas Story”, you, the parent, will be providing a front-seat show every time you have an uncontrolled rant. The embarrassing thing to me is that while my kids as toddlers may not have understood the meaning of the words, they were contextually correct when they were yelling at other drivers in heavy traffic. Fortunately for me, the windows were closed and I was the only one in the front seat, which made it easy for me to hold back any impression that I thought it was amusing or spot on in its assessment. Thankfully, profanity is still not “SOP” in their vocabulary and routine conversation, and I imagine it’s every parent’s wish that their children don’t end up working on a loading dock for the military or UPS. The pay was fantastic for the time, but the education was, well…wow. I never thought anyone could say something quite like that in a protracted fit of rage. Until then, I didn’t know that people could go from zero to thermonuclear in the blink of an eye. While I shouldn’t find it acceptable, I’m grateful that my childrens’ profanity has slipped out only when a situation seems profoundly ridiculous, and at that, those times are extremely rare. My father taught his kids that swearing is the mark of a small and unimaginative mind incapable of adequately describing a situation, which is also what I have tried to teach my kids, and if they felt the need to use such language, that they would substitute “cleaner” words such as “asparagus” or “sugar” or “shiitake”. Considering my experience, I believe my father was blessed not to hear the “colorful” remarks I’ve heard over the years.

In a sense, though, it’s kind of important that kids understand cussing. Better that they don’t actually use it, but I think people in general should be aware of when anger, confusion, and/or frustration are directed at them, as the situation could escalate to unnecessary violence. Cussing can be cathartic, then silly, then leading to a better mood and outlook, as long as you are the giver and not the receiver. I think most would agree that cussing is best served in the privacy of one’s own mind. That way, even if your kids do cuss (privately), their image in the eyes of others will remain intact.

Building Respectable Human Beings

A dinner conversation we had not too long ago discussed the reason why my children are so attractive to their peer’s parents. My kids are still kids, but comparatively they seem better mannered, more focused on the current objective, and are open to either independent or team-oriented achievement. They are equally praised by their teachers and consistently earn high marks on their report cards. I know that I don’t shower them with as much praise as they would probably like, but I would have to be a complete idiot not to know what a blessing it is to have children that are healthy, smart, conscientious, well-balanced and ambitious, and for some reason, they love and appreciate me, too.

My kids are still kids, but I remind them constantly about how what they do now affects their future. I try to do this without applying too much pressure or guilt, and in fact, the pressure is really on me to keep this issue fresh in their minds without being overbearing. Everyone wants love and respect, but I think many people know that you can’t get what you don’t give first. I am human, and I’ve made and make lots of mistakes that I am sorry for, but my persistence to make things better for all of us is fueled by the challenge and inspiration given by the family that supports me. In terms of messes, I think my family has more than its fair share, and because we are all still here, it is intended for us to overcome our mess and revel in our godliness. But all of this cannot come about if we cover up in self-pity and nitpick each other about our flaws. I have to accept people for who they are, and have a little sympathy for what they are not. We all must. But that should not stop us from influencing people to be the best of what we imagine them to be, at work, at school, at home, as parents, as professionals, as people in a family. I don’t treat my kids as kids. I treat them as the kind of responsible human being I want to be and be with. Playtime is just as important as work time, but I believe that when a child understands what is going to make his life easier as he gets older, the child isn’t just growing. He is also growing up, as a responsible human being.

If this is you, chances are you're a good parent

I have been blessed that most of my days are filled with laughter and food for thought, but I am proud to say that that last 24 hours have been very special. Last night my son's teacher revealed that he is somewhere near the top of his third-grade class and one of its brightest stars. In my case, this part isn't so much a surprise as a testament to priority management and proactive parenting. Like most 9 year-olds, when my son is not in school, his mind is a million miles from academics, and although it takes occasional mock threats of violence to get his attention on dinner instead of video games, apparently his teacher tells me he is sharp as a tack in the classroom, prepared, attentive - a model student. By contrast, his bedroom is rarely ever tidy, and if his function at home has nothing to do with playing, he's rarely interested. As challenging as parenting is, there are some battles better left in the background. My kids' kindergarten teacher wisely said that no child (or adult, for that matter) can perform brilliantly 100% of the time. People have to recharge in more ways other than just sleeping, so allow the children to let their hair down in a place that's safe and private, which is frequently the time spent at home. I relish the fact that my son is not perfect, and that his heart is filled with so much love for himself and everyone around him that perfection doesn't matter.

Another blessing is, despite my personal odds of succeeding, my oldest daughter is 12 today. It is usually this time of year I recall the hardships that have dogged me until now, but amidst all my chaos, this little gift dropped into my life, and ever since, constantly drives me to be smarter, take calculated chances, and never be afraid that someone won't be there to love me.

Here's to hoping miracles never cease.

You Should Never Lie To Your Children

Think of the most difficult things you have to explain to your children – sex, debt, violence, divorce/breakup of relationships, life, love, career choice, death, (if you think of any others, feel free to comment). Now I want you to think about what and how you are going to explain these difficult parts of life. All of these things are part of our culture whether we like it or not, and for some, the hardest part to accept is that they all lead to the same place. Is it a blessing that I have experience with all these things? Not really, but I think I would rather be aware of what’s coming instead of being completely blind-sided and unable to adequately react.

Your child is exposed to all kinds of stimuli, some of it we can control, others we can’t. I think the mission of a good parent is to position himself or herself to be an objective sounding board to a child’s questions, so that a parent can give solid and truthful answers, and also get solid and truthful answers in return. “Solid and truthful” does not mean laying out every fact or opinion - it means giving just enough information to answer the question and leaving the door open to further discussion. This allows the child to formulate their own opinions and make decisions for themselves. Over time, their opinions may not match your own, but the world is an ever-changing place. The job of a parent is to care for and prepare their children for their own future, and what the children choose to make of their lives should wholly be their own. We also teach that every decision has a consequence, and by that, attempt to set reasonable limits to their decisions. Someday, people may be able to fly when they jump off the roof, but until humanity learns to defy gravity and physics, isn’t it safer to leave flying to the birds and aircraft?

There is the impulse to skew or stretch the truth to suit a parent’s personal needs. FIGHT IT! Your children may not be academic whizzes, but they’re a lot smarter than they may let on. The questions they ask may not be so much to get an answer as they are a test to see if they can trust you. If you do not answer with love and your whole heart, children ( and savvy parents) can smell a lie from miles away. A child’s behavior is modeled directly from how a parent acts and what s/he will permit. You cannot teach what you do not practice yourself. If truth is what you seek, truth is what you must reasonably spread.

Don’t lie, folks, don’t lie.